binging and self-mutilation

Last week went really, super poorly. Pizza, cookies, ice cream and chips were involved. I kept up with exercise and some non-health goals, but basically had a week-long binge. It was really kind of saddening to me that I allowed myself to slip backwards like that. I think it was triggered by the anxiety and self-doubt that comes with a disappointing weigh-in. I should be focused on my health and making long-term, sustainable changes in my lifestyle. If I'm going to get so bent out of shape about a silly number on an ever-fluctuating little machine that only measures one dimension of my progress, then I probably shouldn't be weighing myself so often. I think I'm going to take a break from the scale and maybe check in once a month or so.

When I went to counseling yesterday I talked about binging and asked my counselor his opinion on why it's such a hard habit to break. At first he went on a bit about how "chocolate cake tastes better than tofu and when you're presented with a choice it's hard to get yourself to not want the chocolate cake". He mentioned phrases like "comfort food" and "activating the pleasure center". And I told him that I understood what he was saying but that it didn't quite describe what it felt like for me. Then he started talking about cutting and clients he's seen who self-mutilate in a compulsive effort to experience physical pain that distracts from emotional pain. I felt like everything he was saying about cutting was a pretty accurate match for bingeing too - the shame, secrecy, compulsiveness, lack of self-confidence, need to punish yourself and to distract from deeper emotional issues.

I started thinking that maybe it would help to read a bit about self-mutilation and learn how people successfully overcome that. I have all the knowledge about exercise and nutrition that I could ever need. I make great plans, set reasonable goals, etc. I go through really successful periods, but always slip back into the darkness of bingeing somehow. To me, this is not an issue of willpower or lack of knowledge about weight loss. I think a different perspective could help.

I've been searching a bit online and have actually found a lot of literature linking eating disorders to self-harm behaviors.
One article says that binge eaters have high expectations of themselves and that when they fall short of those standards, they become anxious or depressed and "to escape from this unpleasant state, binge eaters attempt the cognitive response of narrowing attention to the immediate stimulus environment and avoiding broadly meaningful thought."

This article lumps suicide attempts, self-injury and eating disorders together under a label of self-destructive behavior and looks at the connection between these behaviors and "childhood trauma or disrupted parental care". It says that people can react to current stresses "as a return of childhood trauma, neglect and abandonment."

I had very loving parents and was not a victim of any sort of childhood trauma, but I know my issues with shame, binging and sneaking food started when I was young and worsened around puberty when I developed earlier and more excessively than any of my peers and received a lot of unwelcome attention for that before I was emotionally mature enough to deal with it. So - it's interesting to think about those sorts of connections although I'm more interested in developing new coping mechanisms than rehashing the past.

Just food for thought. What do you think? Do you see binging as a diet/self-control issue or as an emotional or psychological issue connected to other self-destructive behaviors? Have you overcome binging or self-mutilating?

Weigh-Day - gaining muscle?

We got a really big snow (for TN) on Friday. I won't be leaving my driveway anytime soon, but luckily I've done all the errands and grocery shopping I need to and have plenty of videos, weights, etc. to get my workouts done at home, so no excuses!

Here I am in Ryan's giant, puffy coat since I somehow do not have my own winter coat or boots. I'm from Chicago - I should be ashamed!
:)

So - I'm a little disappointed. I only lost 0.6 pounds this week :( But I guess it's better than a gain. I'm trying to keep some healthy perspective and realize that it's the overall change in lifestyle that's important and not one number, one week on the scale.

Honestly? I tried my BEST this week. I had an awesome week of eating healthy foods, never overeating, or eating mindlessly. I limited bread and pasta, included tons of fresh fruit and veggies, and healthy fats. I also didn't miss one single day of exercise. I got enough sleep, it's not my TOM, my jeans fit a little bit better and I think I can tell a difference in my upper waist/ribs area and my ankles. So my best guess is that I'm gaining muscle and losing fat and that's definitely worth slower loss to me. If I don't lose at least a pound next week, though, I'll start tracking calories for a little bit.

This week in exercise ...

Monday I did a half hour on the elliptical and a chest/triceps workout,

Tuesday I did a step aerobics video,

Wednesday I did an hour on the elliptical and a back, biceps and shoulders workout plus abs at home

Thursday I went for a 35 minute brisk walk around the neighborhood and then went to yoga class

Friday I did an hour on the elliptical and half an hour on the evil stationary bike (definitely not my favorite - it makes my tush sore!),

Saturday I did my entire early 90's Cher workout video which includes step aerobics (plus I moved the step height up), abs and a lower body workout and went for a walk in the snow (it's like walking on sand!)

Sunday I plan on another walk in the beautiful snow and maaaaybe jumprope later

In diet...

For breakfasts I had either fruit alone, fruit with veggie links (yesterday), a Larabar or Greek yogurt with fruit and Ezekiel cereal

For lunches I had salads most days with a bit of parmesan or goat cheese, and sometimes walnuts or dried cranberries. Friday, instead of dressing I put hot sauce and roasted red pepper hummus on my salad and added a veggie burger. Monday I had a sandwich with veggies and ricotta spread on high fiber bread.

Dinners varied -

Monday Ryan made a homemade Indian veggie/aloo ghobi style dish with naan and we had that again Tuesday

Wednesday I made my favorite sandwich with hummus, pesto, goat cheese and mounds of veggies

Thursday I had a tiny baked potato with broccoli, a little cheese, salsa and hot sauce

Friday I had Thai coconut, rice noodle soup with baked tempeh on the side

Saturday I had a veggie hot dog with veggie chilli and raw carrots, red cabbage and red pepper on the side

Snacks included fruit with nuts or nut butter, toast with hummus and cucumber, light string cheese or Larabars. Last night I had a teeny tiny square of dark chocolate with mint tea.

Here's a super sweaty pic of me post-step workout :)

And stretching during the workout...proof that I'm working hard!

Hope you're enjoying the weekend!

Weigh-Day - much better!

2 weeks ago my post-holiday weigh in was 162. Last week I gained up to 163.4. But, this week I lost that gain plus some for a 4 pound loss and am back out of the 160s! I'm at 159.4 and am hoping to drop another 2 pounds this week.

I'm pretty proud of this week for a few reasons
1) I got activity in every single day. Elliptical and strength M, W, Sat., Pilates Tues., jumprope Thurs., and walking/abs Fri.
2) I was always thoughtful about what I was putting in my body. I ate a fruit or a veggie with every meal, didn't snack mindlessly, ate reasonable portions and went for a large majority of unprocessed, homemade foods.
3) I drank 8 c. of water every day.
4) I kept my mind focused on the long term goal of having a healthy, happy life and reminded myself to make choices I could keep up for the rest of my life. So - it's actually a good thing to me that I did 30 min. cardio instead of an hour at times because it's more realistic long-term.

This week I'm pretty much hoping for a repeat of last week. I started the week struggling and having cravings, but it's already getting MUCH easier. I can't wait until these healthy choices truly feel like an effortless (or at least routine) part of my life :)

changing habits is hard work!

So - it's Wednesday morning. Monday was the first day of my refocused efforts to really make some big lifestyle changes and it's going well, but it feels like it's been a LOT longer than 2 days! I guess time goes slowly when you're really thinking about/majorly struggling with your choices all day instead of just living by old, easy, comfy routines.

So far I've been eating really healthy, homemade vegetarian (and largely vegan) goodness. I toyed with the idea of completely swearing off sugar (my personal crack), but had a teeny tiny square of dark chocolate with my mint tea on Monday and I think I'll stick with that - low cal, some health benefits, not junk food loaded with things I can't pronounce and in moderation. Plus, it's sooooooo good! The warm liquid makes me feel full and satisfied and the smallest square of chocolate makes it feel indulgent.

I've also stuck to my planned exercise schedule which means I got on the elliptical then did chest and triceps Monday and yesterday I dragged my butt to Pilates where it was thoroughly whooped! I've heard a lot of people say that adding Pilates to their routine really transformed their bodies, so I'm definitely looking forward to that. Today I do another 1/2 hour on the elliptical (my sweating machine of choice) and work out biceps, shoulders and back.

I've also kept up with cleaning the house and studied my Spanish both days to start this week. If I can keep up the good food and exercise choices, keep things straightened up and study a bit every day I'll feel super proud, and that = momentum!

Weigh-Day - not so hot, but not so worried

So I'm up another 1.4 pounds this week. Those snow days really challenged me to stay on a healthy schedule...a challenge I sadly did not rise to! I'm at 163.4 today, but am finally feeling back on track, in a good routine and ready to see a nice loss next week (after TOM moves on).

Even though I had a very off week diet-wise, I had a good-ish day yesterday. Also, I've been tracking some non-diet changes and habits and am doing really well with those.
- my house has stayed clean and uncluttered all week
- I've stayed hydrated
- I've gotten to bed on time
- I remembered to take my mulit about half the time (better than none!)
- I've taken me-time to read (finished My Life in France - Julia Child yesterday and started Skinny Bitch today)
- And maybe most significantly, I've exercised at least 10 minutes a day every day. Tuesday, Wednesday and Saturday I did 1/2 hour on the elliptical and 1/2 hour of strength training which makes this the first week in awhile that I've actually gotten to every muscle group. Monday, Thursday and Friday I did smaller workouts, but the important thing to me right now is that I'm making setting aside work-out time a non-negotiable daily habit and Ryan is finally getting some exercise in too!

I've been struggling a little with the very typical "my partner is not on board with my new healthy goals" issue. We have these great, meaningful talks about our life together, the values, beliefs and goals we share, etc...Then we make plans for the week or the next day and it seems like Ryan doesn't even try to stick to them. Hmmmm... On the one hand, I know that my choices are mine alone and that if he's not ready I have to just do the best I can and hopefully, eventually serve as some sort of model or inspiration to him. On the other hand, I feel that I'm entering a new lifestyle that is important to managing my physical health and anxiety, that is essential for my happiness and that will form habits I hope to pass onto our future children (i.e., I'm not just trying to get into a bikini -these changes are really, really important to me!)

Ryan is so busy with school and has been steadily gaining weight, feeling more and more stressed and feeling lower and lower on energy. I really want him to get his confidence, energy and active lifestyle back (and he says he does too, he's just stuck), and I want us to scaffold each other's efforts, but I don't want to nag or push.

So, I guess for now we'll just keep trying to hit those small goals over and over again. I finally did get him to the gym with me yesterday and if the rain lets up today he's planning on going out to play some disc golf. He knows what needs to be done so I'm shifting my focus from reminding him to just being super sweet and asking him what he needs from me. (Yesterday it was help brewing his beer and massages before bed). I think for him, just like for me, and just like for most of us, stress is at the root of unhealthy choices, so maybe if I can ease his stress he'll be happier about skipping brownies and going out for a walk. I'll let you know how it goes ;)

questions about prayer

Meh...It's never a good sign when I'm up before 4. Today is our 5th snow day (more accurately 'icy roads' day) in a row and I can always take a nap later, so it's no biggy, but it worries me because in the past the times I've had trouble sleeping are the times when my anxiety has been a bit tempermental. So, it concerns me just a tad, and when I get worried and want to change my circumstances that's when I find it easier to pray (as opposed to when things are relatively peachy). So - instead of sleeping, I've been up pondering the nature and practice of prayer and wanted to ask you all your thoughts.

I grew up Jewish, attending a reform temple and saying formal prayers there, but not doing much spontaneous praying from my heart. I've always been curious about other religions and sometimes attended church with my friends or meditated on passages from the Tao Te Ching but never really thought much about prayer until I needed something - anything - to support me as I worked through the darkest times of anxiety. So I'm wondering...

Do you pray to worship? To ask for guidance? That you'll find the path God intends for you? To ask for favors or blessings for yourself or others? To say thanks? As a way of feeling connected to a sense of 'oneness'?

And...when you pray....Is it more 'formal' as in through traditional psalms, biblical words or other kinds of prewritten verses? Is it using words or phrases you've created personally? Is it spontaneous or constantly changing? Is it a meditative tool? Or is it something you do in a less defined/explicit way and more through feelings and images?

Personally, since I didn't grow up praying, I don't really have one practice or method that feels most right to me - and I often find it hard to focus during emotionally trying times, so I feel that repetitive words, images or breathing exercises are helpful.

Most teachers believe that 'picturing' or creating mental images to go along with words is an essential part of reading comprehension. I wonder if the same is true for prayer. Without visualization, do words lose some meaning? I take a cue from yoga and try to visualize myself connecting deeper and deeper with the earth and then with the people and world around me as I pray. I try to draw on and give back to the energy force I feel from my environment and the people in it. I do this to focus my intentions, ask for guidance and clarity and to feel more at peace with the moment.

This is a verse from the Tao Te Ching that I've been thinking about this morning from a translation by Ralph Alan Dale.

#63 - The Secrets of Getting Things Done

Act without acting on.
Work without working at.

Enter bountifulness when it is still insufficiency.
Answer with kindness when faced with hostility.

Begin a difficult task in its easy stage
because large problems grow from small ones.

Begin a large task in its formative state
because complex issues originate from simple ones.

But beware of those who promise quick and easy solutions!
Accept problems as challenges.

In this way, the sage accomplishes great tasks
without ever having to struggle with them.

challenges, celebrations and goals - January 11

I've started reading "The Spark" by Chris Downie who founded SparkPeople and working through the supplementary exericses on his website for each chapter. The lesson that's stuck with me so far this first week is that if you make a committment to make small (I mean - even teeny tiny) positive changes and stick with them sort of as a minimum agreement with yourself for the day that they really start to build momentum and improve confidence eventually snowballing into bigger and better things.
I used to take time every Monday to review the previous week - see what worked for me and what didn't - celebrate the little things and tweak my plans for the upcoming week to try to keep improving. I haven't done that in awhile, but am thinking I might revive the habit. Sometimes you just need to give yourself a little shout out and appreciate how small, slow changes have become bigger lifestyle changes.

Overall Positive Changes in 2009: Getting professional help for my anxiety; keeping the house MUCH cleaner and more organized; preparing soups, salads and sprouts for the upcoming week ahead of time; starting yoga; trying to start prayer; settting very specific goals for myself; making some 'green' changes like using cloth napkins, washing on the cold cycle and using reusable bags and water bottles; paying more attention to hair, makeup and professional attire; finding online support communities (like you!) :)

Weekly Celebrations: wrote in food and exercise journal about half the time; saved receipts to track spending; reduced mindless TV time; cleaned the house and cars; worked on major goal-setting with Ryan and committed to start working together to make a more comprehensive 'mission statement'; slept enough; made the bed consistently; started taking multi-vitamin; used Neti Pot for allergies; flossed every day; kept thermostat down; kept fridge and pantry organized to avoid unnecessary purchases; didn't avoid social activity

Wow! I'm so glad I did that. I was feeling like a bit of a loser since I didn't do too well with diet and exercise this week and didn't lose any weight, but I really did a lot of positive things last week and am glad I just took the time to list them out instead of focusing only on my (ever-expanding) waistline. That's another lesson I'm learning from reading The Spark - positive changes in one area of my life will eventually spill over and start to give fuel to positive changes in other areas....so, theoretically if I'm working on improving my anxiety and allergies, keeping my environment organized and being more social it should get easier for me to achieve any other goal, including weight loss.

Weekly Challenges: did some impulsive and unhealthy eating and spending; was a bit snippy with Ryan; didn't stay consistent with exercise; allowed myself to get thrown off track by too much sleep; didn't make any progress on Spanish or online professional development I'd scheduled

Goals for the coming week:
1) Focus on smaller, achievable goals to build feelings of success, confidence and momentum. We made a sticker chart (hey - I'm an elementary school teacher - that's how we do things here :) ) with 5 goals on it - 1) exercise 10 minutes a day, 2) eat a fruit or veggie with every meal, 3) drink 8 c. water/day, 4) get 7 hours sleep/night, 5) straighten up before bed. We're challenging ourselves to build streaks and see how many days in a row we can stick with each of these - we'll think of rewards for every week and then month we can do it.

2) work on our overall mission statement and discuss ultimate value, goals and beliefs so that we can build greater motivation in WHY exactly we're braving 15 degree temps to head to the gym and NOT eating Chunky Monkey.

I'm off to do 20 minutes of Spanish lessons and maybe 1 PD activity to start this day off productively. Adios!